The Apple Contest
by yaySokovia
Summary: Wanda and Pietro Maximoff force the Avengers to spend an entire weekend in the twin's home country of Sokovia. Poor Avengers...


**Author's note:**

 **A) This... ridiculously random idea entered my head when I was reading the Guinness World Records book and I saw the record for crushing apples with one's biceps. Yeah. It's a real record.**

 **B) I love Sokovia**

The sun shyly peaked out of the overcast sky and didn't like what it saw. It promptly shimmered right back behind the clouds, returning the rural Sokovian countryside to its usual greyish gloom. From down below, the sounds of animals in pens, feet stamping, and unintelligible human voices rose steadily upwards. In the valley between several rolling hills, an ordinary town bazaar was in full swing. Ordinary, that is, except for the fact that the god of thunder was prying through the National Sokovian Boar Hunting Militia Surplus booth looking for hammer polish. Thor leaned further over the disorderly stack of spears and crossbows, his massive black boots blanketed in brown dust from the unpaved road.

"I cannot seem to reach the back..." He grumbled in a muffled voice, nearly bent over double to avoid taking out the umbrella/roof with his head. Natasha Romanoff stood a few feet away, shuffling through some colorful handmade rugs and keeping a close eye on the thunder god.

Tony Stark pushed through a circle of angry Sokovians arguing over the price of a chicken to go whine at Steve. It was the soldier's fault that they had to spend the weekend in this backwater hovel. When Wanda and Pietro Maximoff decided that it would be a wonderful idea to take the Avengers on a tour of their home country, Sokovia, everyone else had found an excuse to be busy that weekend. Natasha had a ninjitsu competition, Clint had family duties, Thor had family duties, Tony had tried to have family duties(but he got laughed at), and Bruce had an emergency in Calcutta he had to attend to. Then Captain America piped up(Sokovia is like five square miles, how long could a tour possibly take?), the twins jumped in with their honest enthusiasm and shining joyful faces, and the Avengers found themselves packing for a weekend in the stone age, at least it felt like the stone age to Tony.

Dodging a stray donkey Tony came face to chin with Captain America. The tall, buff man stood with Bruce Banner under the only book booth in the entire bazaar. Steve tried to hide his face behind a dirty cover-less paperback with large letters that Tony couldn't read. Tony placed a finger on the top of the book and pulled it slowly down. He gave Steve his sternest angry-eyes, which usually sent his employees(cough)minions(cough) scurrying around in abject terror. The genius started, "Captain, I– " He was interrupted by Wanda, who came dancing up to them with a giant grin on her face.

"Look, Friend Tony! I have bought something for you! Do you like?" Wanda held up a long loop of string with several shriveled brown things hanging off of it. Grievances forgotten, Tony took a hesitant step backwards and replied, "Uh...what is this, exactly?"

"It ees a garlic necklace, ya! It will keep away the...the...brother Pietro, how do you say 'akajekjekjekgalooo' in Eenglish?"

"Vampires, sister." With a flash of blue, Pietro materialized next to his sister. His regular clothes were covered in a thick blue poncho, and he had a massive yellow sombrero perched atop his white hair. With a bashful smile, Pietro said. "I was showing Clint the clothes booth." Cocking his hat adorably at Natasha, who had just walked up with Thor, Pietro whooshed away again through the crowds.

"Yeah, I can see that he's been at the clothes booth," Tony smirked, referring to Pietro's unconventional headgear choice. The billionaire's mocking smile was wiped off his face when Wanda reached over and tossed the stinky necklace around his neck. In desperation, Tony wildly snapped the necklace and hurled the pieces off him. Wanda plopped herself down on the smelly dirt and began to sob.

"Oh great job, Tony," Natasha said, rolling her eyes, "Now she's crying." Steve bent down to comfort Wanda, so Tony felt guilty and joined them on the ground. Awkwardly, Thor looked to Bruce, who was still pawing through the limited selection of books.

"I fear that I am unfortunately inept at understanding the ways of mortal women," Thor said solemnly.

Still ignoring the scene his teammates were creating, Bruce answered, "That's alright, Thor, I understand– hey, look, I found a hardcover!" Bruce plucked the book out from under a dusty pile of sheep skin scrolls. "And it's written in the alphabet." Thor nodded in confusion, and strode over to the next booth to try on hats. As the thunder god walked away, his cape was ruffled by the return of Pietro, who had added a base-ball glove to his ensemble. Right behind him huffed Clint Barton, sporting a bright chartreuse scarf. "Wow," the archer panted, "Shopping with Pietro certainly isn't slow." Clint stopped when he saw Steve and Tony kneeling next to the weeping Wanda on the ground. Pietro angrily turned to Natasha.

"Who made Wanda cry?!"

"Tony."

"The scurvy scallywag! I vill kill him! What did he do?"

"He broke the necklace she gave him."

"I'm gonna kill him!"

"Oh, please don't, then we would have to pay for everything we bought today."

"Good point. I vill speak vith my sister." Pietro knelt down by Wanda and began to talk with her in rapid Sokovian.

Tony, who now felt very guilty, agreed quickly, "Yeah, what he said." Soon, the Scarlet Witch's tears slowed. Then she burst out laughing. Pointing her finger at Tony, Wanda clutched her sides in hilarity and replied to her brother in Sokovian. Tony frowned, irritated, "Ok, maybe not what he said." Steve stood up and walked over to stand next to Natasha and Clint. Pietro continued to babble entertaining things about Stark in Sokovian, Wanda continued to giggle, and Tony continued to get madder and madder.

"Hey, this one's funny," Bruce broke in, trying to break the tension. "There is this lady who set the world record for crushing apples with her biceps! Look. There's a picture." Bruce tapped Tony on the shoulder and tried to show him the book. Tony batted his hand away and turned angrily back to Pietro. Bruce thumbed rapidly through the book, trying to find something that would interest one of them. Then, Bruce felt a tap on his own shoulder. Thor's massive shadow blocked the light on the pages.

"Repeat that, Bannersson." The thunder god rumbled. Bruce peered up over his reading glasses. He mumbled, "Uh, it's nothing, this lady just holds the record for crushing the most apples in sixty second with only her biceps..." A darkness came over Thor's face. In a menacing tone, Thor questioned, "You say a mortal woman holds the record for this feat of strength?" By now, everyone had stopped talking and was staring nervously at Thor. They all knew the sound of his Asgardian angry voice.

"Uh, Thor? You ok, buddy?" Tony sidled up behind Thor, sending warning glares at Bruce. Everyone backed away from Thor.

"That depends on how you puny mortals define 'ok.'" Thor boomed. "A mortal woman. A mortal woman. A mortal-"

Wanda, who stood to her feet speedily when the thunder god started yelling, stepped forward and interrupted Thor's tirade. "Friend Thor," she said jovially, "There is no need to get angry over such a little thing as this." Wanda leaned closer and said triumphantly, "I know where ze fruit stand is."

"Why oh why, Wanda?" Clint interjected weakly. Then Steve piped up. Again. "No, wait. That might be a good idea, actually," The soldier said, always thinking about the welfare of the common people. "It could be like a charity contest! Thor could break the record, and we could give the Sokovians enough money for the fruit to feed themselves for the next decade!"

Tony frowned, saying, "We? Who's we? I'm the one who's always saddled with the bill." Thor stood completely still for a moment, processing the information. Then, with a lusty laugh, he clapped Wanda on the shoulder. The Scarlet Witch's knees buckled, and she sat back down on the ground. "A worthy idea, friends! I will go now, and acquire another victory for Asgard!" Thor bent down and with one hand picked up Wanda by the jacket, placing her back on her feet. She grinned at Thor's praise and attention. Raising her hand dramatically Wanda cried, "This vay to the fruit stands!" Thor disappeared behind Wanda into the bustling crowd.

"STEVEN, WHY!?" Clint, Tony, and Bruce groaned in unison. Tony smacked his forehead with his palm. "Steve, Steve, Steve!" He yelled, "How could you do that? It's your fault we're here in the first place! When are you going to stop encouraging Wanda? Now there's no telling how long we will be here! You know how Thor is with his 'Asgardian honor'!"

Realizing that the Captain was about to get his uvula ripped out, Natasha wisely stepped between the warring factions. The Black Widow glared up at the men. "Girls, girls, you're both pretty. Now start acting your ages!" Natasha admonished. She added as an afterthought, "As much as possible." Clint, plucking the accursed book from Bruce's hand, added, "The most important thing to do right now is to find Thor and Wanda before they start World War Three." Pietro stepped forward. "I can do that," he said energetically from under his sombrero. Natasha nodded, and Pietro disappeared with a flash of blue light. "I think I will stay here with the books," Bruce said, "Where you guys are going sounds a little...stressful." "Found them!" Pietro returned, skidding to a halt next to the Avengers. Exchanging a glance of apprehension, Natasha, Clint, Steve, and Tony turned and dashed into the street after Pietro.

Following the trail of Pietro glow, Avengers finally arrived at the their destination: a large, dilapidated fruit stand/tent in the center of the bazaar. It consisted of several stands hastily shoved together into a ring, with the various fruit trays facing outward. Hanging from the roof was a large sign written in several languages, including English. It read: FRUITS GOOD MUCH CHEEP YAY. Thor and Wanda stood on the far side. Wanda was conversing with the salesman in Sokovian, and Thor was warming up his biceps by spinning around twirling Mjolner. Thor stopped pirouetting when he saw Steve. "Captain!" He shouted. "I require your assistance! If I am to be victorious in the glorious name of the all-father and Asgard, I must have a worthy opponent to conquer!" Steve crossed his arms. He tried to reply in his defense, but Tony saw an opportunity for quick revenge.

Butting in, Tony smirked, "Oh, I think that's a great idea. Point Break can't possibly do his best if he doesn't have any competition!" Clint put down the cumquat he had been examining and said, "Guys, that's not how record breaking works..." "I say it is!" interrupted Thor. "...In America, but since we aren't in America, that's exactly how record breaking works hehe..." Clint finished lamely, taking a step back. Satisfied, Thor snatched an apple from the stand. Tossing the apple in the air, he took a massive swing and vaporized it. Smiling confidently, Thor picked up another apple. "I am ready!" he said. Steve, shooting a sideways glare at Tony, growled, "We'll talk later, Stark." "Looking forward to it, Old–Timer." Tony replied sassily, still wearing the Iron Man boots that he had used to keep up with Steve, Clint, and Natasha on the run from the book stand.

Clint stepped forward and announced, "Steve and Thor will race to see who can crush the most apples in sixty seconds, in an attempt to break the record previously held by a puny mortal female, as Thor likes to put it. When I say 'mark', you two can start crushing. Biceps only, people, no cheating." Natasha rolled her eyes. "Alright Clint, that's enough." Clint grinned, counting, "Three. Two– " "MARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRK!" Wanda shrieked. Immediately, Steve and Thor dove at the apples. Apple bits filled the air. Tony, who had positioned himself near to Thor and Steve with the intention of counting the number of pulverized apples, was almost instantaneously drenched in apple juice. "Onetwothreefourfivetentwenty–gack." he sputtered. Natasha silently tossed a massive wad of Sokovian cash at the fruit salesman.

Several Sokovian woman screamed as a wave of apple mush rolled towards them. Quicksilver sprang into action. Jauntily placing his sombrero on his twin's head, Pietro pulled on his baseball glove. In extremely slow motion, the spray of apple mush advanced toward the innocent civilians. With a relaxed ease, Pietro swooped in and gathered every single apple particle into his glove. Running circles around the furiously apple-squishing superheroes and Tony, Pietro gathered every bit of apple mush and dropped it into quickly growing pile.

Finally, the sixty seconds were up. "Time!" Clint shouted. Pietro slowed to a normal speed, and all the Avengers looked to Tony for the final count. Tony, unfortunately, was covered head to toe in a fine layer of apple bits.

"Tthssseehepblusssssss." Tony said.

"What?" Steve said. Both he and Thor were also drenched in apple.

"Tthssseehepblusssssss." Tony repeated.

"What?" Thor boomed.

"Tthssseehepblu– " Tony tried to say again, but Pietro interrupted him. The billionaire was enveloped in a blue grey cyclone. In fifteen seconds flat, Quicksilver had all the apple cleaned off Tony. "–Four apples." Tony finished.

"What?!" Natasha asked.

"They both crushed exactly 52,890,900,000,004 apples."

"...WHAT?!" All the Avengers started babbling.

"Ohm'gosh." Clint mumbled.

"Well, they definitely beat the record." Natasha raised her eyebrows, holding out her hand, palm upwards, to Tony.

"How do they do that?" Clint gasped.

"We are never gonna get out of here!" Tony moaned, placing another large wad of money in Natasha's outstretched hand.

"Hey! Ya!...Cantaloupes!" Wanda pointed.

Tony's eyes bugged. Ohnono. Cantaloupes? Seriously? Walking over to Steve, he pulled out a little brush from his pocket and delicately swept off all the apple-mush from Steve's suit before bro-punching him on the shoulder. Tony knew Steve couldn't possibly agree with Wanda this time. Surely he must be exhausted. It was time to go home. "There you go, Old Man. You gonna agree with her now? You think this is a good idea too, huh?" Tony smirked, expectantly grinning up at Steve. He had this fight won.

"Actually, I do!" Steve smirked right back. Tony's jaw dropped. Steve's brow lowered in determination. "This is one contest that a kid from Brooklyn can win," he said in his inspirational patriotic voice that Tony so loathed. Captain America turned back around. "Hey Thor! What do you say about a tie breaker? You ready for cantaloupes?"

"...5,437,000,000 cantaloupes. Both of em. Exactly. I'm gonna go hide under a bucket," Clint declared. Now, the team stood around the triumphant Thor and Steve, berating them and watching as the fruit stand owner zipped through the bazaar in his new Ferrari. Pietro stood, doubled over, considering passing out from the effort of catching the cantaloupe remains. Then he spotted Wanda rummaging through the rather pitiful wreckage of the fruit stand(it had gotten trampled when the civilians started fleeing in terror).

"Zizter Vanda? Vat in the chuckaglikookoab are you doink?" Pietro questioned. He received no verbal answer. Instead, Wanda slowly turned around, an evil grin plastered on her face. Her hands clutched a large, green, ovoid object. Thor joyously cried, "BRING ON THE WATERMELON!"

Natasha ground a pebble to dust with her stiletto. She had had enough. Steve and Thor were acting like idiots. Just then she witnessed Pietro get knocked out by a huge, flying wad of watermelon. Wow, that's not something you get to see everyday... Natasha thought. The Russian assassin wanted to stop the bicep-cranking boys, but she didn't care to join Pietro in la-la land.

In a flash of inspiration, the Black Widow walked over to where a young Sokovian boy was watching, holding a forgotten basketball. "Hey, kid, give that to me." Without waiting for an answer, she wrenched it from his grasp and shoved some Sokovian money into his palm. She charged over to Wanda, who was feeding the watermelons into the biceps. "Here, Wanda, give this to Thor. It should slow him down. Hopefully stop him." Wanda snickered and gleefully inserted the large, fully inflated basketball into the crook of Thor's arm.

"Aerrfffgggghhhhh," Thor grunted, straining and straining. Steve gradually stopped busting the watermelons to stare unashamedly at Thor's face, which was turning purple. Natasha laughed and was about to saunter over to Clint, when the basketball...

 **BAM!**

Everyone within five miles of the explosion fell to the ground, writhing and clutching his or her ears. Near the fruit stand wreck, unconscious Pietro woke up screaming. Natasha moaned on the dusty ground, temporarily deaf. Back at the book stand, Bruce/Hulk left a steaming pile of wreckage in the wake of his rampage. Clint was trying to peg Thor with an arrow, but he was being violently restrained by Steve and Tony, whose ears were bleeding. And Wanda was just sitting on the ground again, her sombrero in tatters, cackling maniacally. That girl. . . Suddenly, Natasha saw Wanda stop cackling and stagger back to her feet. The Scarlet Witch dashed over and crouched down under the one booth that still had a roof in the square. What was going on? In a daze, Natasha crawled over to join Wanda under the booth. Wanda tried to say something to her, but the Black Widow couldn't catch what she said: Natasha's ears were unfortunately inoperative. "WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?!" Natasha whispered. Wanda jerked back from Natasha and thonked her head on the bottom of the booth. Wordlessly, the Sokovian gypsy pointed behind Natasha. Natasha slowly turned around.

" #$%*(% #$ %," Tony said. Steve tried to smack him, but he found that he mysteriously couldn't lift his right bicep. Then, he saw... them. They charged into the square from all access ways, waving umbrellas with knifes duct-taped on the ends. They all were dressed in matching bike helmets and red life vests, with the Sokovian Seal written across it in a weird font. "Glockinspikle Sokoviave! Glockinspikle Sokoviave!" They repeated over and over again in unison.

Before all the other Avengers could react, Pietro leaped to his feat and shouted, "Sokoviave rootootootna glockinspikle! Glockinspikle!" Then he sprinted over to join Wanda and Natasha under the booth.

Immediately, all the Avengers sprung into action. The twins and Black Widow rolled in a wickedly awesome way out from under the booth and ran to join the other Avengers in the center of the square. The team formed a protective ring, closing in tighter to keep the horde at bay. "Who are these maniacs?!" Steven questioned, somehow producing a shield out of thin air and deflecting a jab from the handle of an umbrella.

"The Sokovian National Guard." Pietro said in an unnaturally high voice. Tony blinked twice.

"What?!"

"They are the noble defenders of our people," Wanda squeaked, burying her face in Thor's cape.

"Don't hurt them please," Pietro mumbled.

"Zey are like children," Wanda muttered.

Clint addressed the nearest psycho, "What do you want?!" The psycho replied, "GLOCKINSPICKLE SOKOVIAVE!" Clint took a step backward. "Aaaallllrighty! Pietro, what exactly are they saying?" Before Pietro could reply, Natasha interjected, "Roughly translated, it means 'Yay Sokovia!' It's their national motto."

"SERIOUSLY?"

"Clint, calm down. Clint, put that poor fellow down. CLINT!"

"Natasha, you could speak their language this whole time and you never told us?!"

"I picked it up from the twins. Once you get the gist of it, it's not that hard to understand."

"Well, talk to them please, I am rather attached to my current set of eyeballs, and they're getting awful close with those umbrella bayonets."

One of the SNG approached Tony. Poking him with the less sharp end of the umbrella, he shouted, "Bomb! Bomb? Bomb! You blow bomb!" Frightened by this man's insistence that Tony had set off a bomb, Tony opened his Jarvis communicator. "Jarvis! Get me the suit!" Tony yelled. "Roger roger," Jarvis cooly replied. Soon after, the suit soundlessly soared into view.

"Oooooohhhhhh..." the Sokovians all muttered in unison, their head rolling to follow the Iron Man as it descended into the square. Just as it was about to reach Tony, Wanda blasted the suit to bits with a wave of telekinetic force. "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!" Tony shouted, staggering back to his feet. With desperation in her eyes, Wanda stuttered, "Friend Tony, I just remember, zey zay zay HATE KLEPOOBK MAN! Remember? Za boiwers, zey said 'Ztark!' Za boiwers zat errtuiyed our gugugugugu jehosephat!"

"Ok, what?!" Tony shook his head like a wet dog. Wanda reached over and started violently shaking Pietro. "QAZIMODOJJKO, PIETRO!" Pietro pealed Wanda off of himself and turned to Tony. "Sorry guys, when Wanda gets emotional, she has trouble vith ze articulation. Ok, Tony, Wanda explains zat the Sokovians hate Iron Man because Tony Stark made bombs zat blew up zeir cities and before they didn't know who you were but now ze do because you just brought in ze klepoobk. The armor suit." Understanding dawned in Tony's eyes. The Sokovians, who were, apparently, more intelligent than they appeared, looked at the armor, looked at each other, looked at Tony, and lunged. "THOOOOOOOOOORRRR!"

Later:

"This is getting very uncomfortable." Tony dangled off Wanda's ankle about three feet above the Mediterranean Sea. The billionaire hiked himself farther away from the sharks that were circling under the Avengers. Wanda squirmed and said, "Ouch, Tony, you're shredding my leggings!" Tony glared up at the Scarlet Witch. "Excuse me, your legging are already shredded. And they are making it extremely difficult to hold on."

Glaring back at Tony, Wanda said, "You already pulled off one ov my boots! You vill have to pay for zat vhen ve get back to America." Then she looked up and yelled, "How's everybody doink?" Glancing down, Pietro gave Wanda, who was hanging off of his legs, a weak smile. "AOK sister Wanda." All that could be heard from Steve was a pained grunt. Pietro clung to Steve's legs, which meant the Captain was supporting Pietro, Wanda, and Tony, in that order. Steve gripped Thor's right boot, hanging down next to Clint, who was having a nice pleasant solo ride on Thor's left boot. The marksman had used the brilliant chartreuse scarf that Pietro helped him purchase to create a comfortable sling off Thor's leg.

Thor said in a very small voice, "Lady Widow, your claws are digging into my throat." Natasha, riding Thor piggyback, had taken Clint's example and was engaged in tying Thor's cape into a hammock with her toes. Thor, nobly bearing the burden of the entire team, hung by his fingertips from Mjolner's handle strap.

"Friends," the thunder god gagged. Tasha's hammock pulled his cape straps backward, essentially cutting off his air flow. "Friends," he repeated, "Mjolner is... not built... for this weight load! It is built for carrying one man! And for smashing!" The magic hammer supported the combined weight of the entire Avengers team, first Thor and Natasha, then Clint and Steve, then Pietro, then Wanda, and finally Tony. The awful burden rendered Mjolner incapable of vertical motion, so, even though it was pointed vertically towards the sky, the magic hammer slowly moved forward in a horizontal fashion, barely keeping Tony's toes above the waves.

At this point in their headlong flight, Mjolner was making an odd "putt putt putt" sound, and angled completely perpendicular to the ocean, moving forward like a helicopter. "Hind sight 20/20, this wasn't our best escape plan ever," Clint stated, tightening his scarf sling.

"Yeah," Natasha added, "We probably shouldn't have tried to start back to America on Mjolner."

From down below, Tony shouted, "At least you guys don't have to try to hold on to Ms. Stocking Legs!" Wanda, fed up with Tony insulting her fashion choices, gave him a little kick. "OWWWwwwwwwwww –"

"Oh lookie, I appear to 'ave dropped Tony into the Mediterranean. Does anybody care?"

Clint laughed, "Ha! Wanda, for you, that was rather witty." Everybody looked down at Tony, who was floundering around in the water attempting to grab Wanda's ankle. Wanda replied, "No, really, he's got one ov my leggings and my last boot down zere vith him..." Thor lowered Wanda down towards the water. Tony reached up and...yes! He latched onto Wanda's stockingless ankle. However, Thor gave a little jerk, because Natasha had just sat up violently in her hammock and reapplied pressure on his adam's apple. The thunder god gagged, "Lady Widow–" He was interrupted by Natasha's primal shriek.

"WE LEFT BRUCE IN SOKOVIA!"

Tony slipped and splashed right back into the Mediterranean Sea.


End file.
